Wednesday 26 April 2017

Nexplanon & Weight Gain

Okay, so I've been absent for a while and I don't really have an excuse, other than to say that there's been a lot going on.

I was struggling with a significant weight gain that was causing me to restrict to less than 100 calories a day. Even on so little, I would still gain.

Monday 3 April 2017

What the hell is going on?

So, recently I made a post about how my weight had gone up 1.7kg in five days. Well, since then, it's gone up more and more. In the past 12 days I have gone up 4kg.

I have been restricting like mad. I'm barely eating or drinking and I just.... I don't know. I'm scared and sad and confused and angry and I don't know why the fuck this is happening. This is my highest weight in a very long time.

I don't have an appointment with my therapist, L, until next Thursday, don't have a doctor's appointment until next Thursday either (Thursday's a busy day, huh!) and I cannot cope. I'm feeling so dangerous right now.

Please, please, dear God, let the weight go down. I don't know what's happening to my body.

Thursday 30 March 2017

Things are not great

Had my appointment with L. I was pretty much the same weight as I was on Monday. It worked out to a gain of 2.9lb.

I cried for half the session.

I can't do this. I can't. My mind is screaming at me to starve, that this is exactly what they want. They want to make me fat.

L says it gets better. Does it? Does it really? Because it sure feels worse to me.

Wednesday 29 March 2017

When recovery triggers a relapse

I've been 'in recovery' for a little over a month now. I put it in quotes because a lot of the time I feel like my heart's not really in it. I know that if I continue down this path that I'll die, but my disordered brain keeps telling me that that's just scare tactics, that I'm still horrendously fat and I have a long, long way to go.

Outpatient, Day Patient and Inpatient - What's the difference?

OP - Outpatient
Outpatient treatment can take a number of forms. The most common is a weekly appointment with a qualified therapist. There are a multitude of therapies that are traditionally used for treating eating disorders, but the options offered differ between NHS trust. Outpatient treatment is the most common form of treatment for eating disordered patients, and you can expect to have between 20 and 40 appointments over the course of your treatment. If outpatient treatment is completed, but you have not progressed to an expected level of recovery, your care team may consider an alternative, higher form of treatment.

Sunday 26 March 2017

I broke my purge-free streak

I had made it 9 days. 9 days without purging, and I was feeling very good about it.

But something about my dinner today made the choice between continuing on with the streak of purging all too easy a decision.

Now, physically, I am exhausted. I am drained and I've got a headache, and I look pretty damn awful. Emotionally, too, I'm impacted. I feel like I betrayed my therapist and my boyfriend and myself.

I know that this is a normal part of 'recovery,' but god, if it doesn't suck.

Thursday 23 March 2017

What it's like to have an eating disorder and have a normal BMI

There’s nothing that we can do to help you at your BMI.

I turned to leave, but before I reached the door, I’d turned around. “You know what this means, right?

She knew. There was nothing that she could do to help me. Not until I was thinner.