Wednesday 26 April 2017
I was struggling with a significant weight gain that was causing me to restrict to less than 100 calories a day. Even on so little, I would still gain.
Monday 3 April 2017
I have been restricting like mad. I'm barely eating or drinking and I just.... I don't know. I'm scared and sad and confused and angry and I don't know why the fuck this is happening. This is my highest weight in a very long time.
I don't have an appointment with my therapist, L, until next Thursday, don't have a doctor's appointment until next Thursday either (Thursday's a busy day, huh!) and I cannot cope. I'm feeling so dangerous right now.
Please, please, dear God, let the weight go down. I don't know what's happening to my body.
Thursday 30 March 2017
I cried for half the session.
I can't do this. I can't. My mind is screaming at me to starve, that this is exactly what they want. They want to make me fat.
L says it gets better. Does it? Does it really? Because it sure feels worse to me.
Wednesday 29 March 2017
Outpatient treatment can take a number of forms. The most common is a weekly appointment with a qualified therapist. There are a multitude of therapies that are traditionally used for treating eating disorders, but the options offered differ between NHS trust. Outpatient treatment is the most common form of treatment for eating disordered patients, and you can expect to have between 20 and 40 appointments over the course of your treatment. If outpatient treatment is completed, but you have not progressed to an expected level of recovery, your care team may consider an alternative, higher form of treatment.
Sunday 26 March 2017
I had made it 9 days. 9 days without purging, and I was feeling very good about it.
But something about my dinner today made the choice between continuing on with the streak of purging all too easy a decision.
Now, physically, I am exhausted. I am drained and I've got a headache, and I look pretty damn awful. Emotionally, too, I'm impacted. I feel like I betrayed my therapist and my boyfriend and myself.
I know that this is a normal part of 'recovery,' but god, if it doesn't suck.
Thursday 23 March 2017
I turned to leave, but before I reached the door, I’d turned around. “You know what this means, right?”
She knew. There was nothing that she could do to help me. Not until I was thinner.