I've been 'in recovery' for a little over a month now. I put it in quotes because a lot of the time I feel like my heart's not really in it. I know that if I continue down this path that I'll die, but my disordered brain keeps telling me that that's just scare tactics, that I'm still horrendously fat and I have a long, long way to go.
That aside, I have a pretty good treatment team. I have a therapist, L, and a review doctor, M. L takes care of my brain, and M takes care of my body. I was seeing M for a long time while I was on the waiting list for therapy, and she would weigh me at our appointments, which typically took place every 4 to 6 weeks. During this time, I also had two sets of my own scales. The scales I had at home seemed to correspond with the scales at the treatment centre, so I was pretty happy.
Then, once I started seeing L, she became the one responsible for my weighing. I am seeing her weekly, so the "official" weigh-ins were more regular. I also moved house. This new house, oh man, this new house had no flat floor. I mean, the bathroom, the hallway, the kitchen - never was there a place where all four scale feet touched the floor. I would weigh different weights all over the house, and they were dramatic differences in the weight.
L encouraged me to get rid of them as part of my recovery process. At first I scoffed at her, telling her that it would be a cold day in hell before I did such a thing. And then I did it anyway. She was very proud of me after I told her that I did. My guess is that she's seen countless patients do exactly the same thing.
Because of that, however, it meant that the only time I knew my weight was on a Thursday, at 10am. On an empty stomach. Fully clothed. This means that now, as every Thursday draws nearer, I get more and more afraid and nervous. For the past couple of weeks, my weight has stayed pretty consistent, so when I do end up weighing in, it's never as bad as I thought.
My appointment with M rolled around this Monday. We went through the usual "How is your caffeine intake?" and "What hurts?" that we do every time, and then she weighed me.
Between the Thursday appointment with L, and the Monday appointment with M, I had gained 4lb. Four pounds! Are you kidding me?! I burst in to tears. I told M that that could not possibly be right, as I surely had not been able to gain 4 pounds in 5 days. We tried on a different set. Same weight. And a different set. Same again.
I was hysterical. M was reluctant to let me leave, but after a half-hearted attempt at convincing her that I was OK, and insistance that my parking was about to expire, she let me go. I joked that it was almost lunchtime. She said, "don't skip it." I was almost crying again as I said, "I don't think I can do that."
I got to my car and cried down the phone to S, my friend who, literally the weekend prior, had experienced the same thing. She talked me down a little bit and I drove home. Well, I drove to Tesco's and bought the following:
* 8 brioche buns
* Soreen loaf cake
* Kit-Kat Chunky
* Smarties
* Kinder Bueno
* Eat Natural bar
Now, I'm vegan. But while I was at Tesco's, I did not give a damn. I then finished my drive home and ate every single bit of it. And I purged. I'd gone from a 9-day purge free streak to two in two days.
Then, L called me. Out of the blue, bearing in mind a) she's never called me before and b) I see her on Thursdays. It turned out that M was so worried about my mental state, that she had told her manager, who had then told L's manager, who had then told L. I confirmed that, indeed, I had binged and purged (which she told me was a fairly normal reaction) and that I had no immediate plans to end my life. According to L, there's a reason that I am always weighed at the same time on the same day in the same place with the same person, and that M shouldn't have weighed me. I kind of felt bad for M - had anyone told her that?
But, knowing that the higher weight was not on a empty stomach or in my normal place at my normal time, didn't stop the disordered voice from screaming at me. I'm seeing L tomorrow, and god knows I need it, because I've been restricting very badly since Monday. I know that I'm doing it because I'm afraid of seeing that gain on L's scales (I feel that would affirm that I have definitely gained that weight, and it's not bloating or food weight or whatever.) I know the reasons behind it but that doesn't make it any easier to eat.
Tomorrow cannot come too soon.
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