Things are not great

Had my appointment with L. I was pretty much the same weight as I was on Monday. It worked out to a gain of 2.9lb.

I cried for half the session.

I can't do this. I can't. My mind is screaming at me to starve, that this is exactly what they want. They want to make me fat.

L says it gets better. Does it? Does it really? Because it sure feels worse to me.

When recovery triggers a relapse

I've been 'in recovery' for a little over a month now. I put it in quotes because a lot of the time I feel like my heart's not really in it. I know that if I continue down this path that I'll die, but my disordered brain keeps telling me that that's just scare tactics, that I'm still horrendously fat and I have a long, long way to go.

Outpatient, Day Patient and Inpatient - What's the difference?

OP - Outpatient
Outpatient treatment can take a number of forms. The most common is a weekly appointment with a qualified therapist. There are a multitude of therapies that are traditionally used for treating eating disorders, but the options offered differ between NHS trust. Outpatient treatment is the most common form of treatment for eating disordered patients, and you can expect to have between 20 and 40 appointments over the course of your treatment. If outpatient treatment is completed, but you have not progressed to an expected level of recovery, your care team may consider an alternative, higher form of treatment.

I broke my purge-free streak

I had made it 9 days. 9 days without purging, and I was feeling very good about it.

But something about my dinner today made the choice between continuing on with the streak of purging all too easy a decision.

Now, physically, I am exhausted. I am drained and I've got a headache, and I look pretty damn awful. Emotionally, too, I'm impacted. I feel like I betrayed my therapist and my boyfriend and myself.

I know that this is a normal part of 'recovery,' but god, if it doesn't suck.

What it's like to have an eating disorder and have a normal BMI

“There’s nothing that we can do to help you at your BMI.”

I turned to leave, but before I reached the door, I’d turned around. “You know what this means, right?”

She knew. There was nothing that she could do to help me. Not until I was thinner.

I want to eat, but I just can't

I've read so many things about recovery: how it won't be anything like you expect; how it will be hard; how you'll fail at points - but my lord, I didn't really anticipate this.

It's lunchtime at work. I walked in to the supermarket and wandered through the aisles. I looked at the salads, I looked at the sandwiches, I looked at the smoothies, and yet, I couldn't find anything. There were plenty of foods that fit my normal criteria: vegan; low cal; cheap, but nothing I could eat.

MARSIPAN - Management of Really Sick Patients with Anorexia Nervosa

The Management of Really Sick Patients with Anorexia Nervosa working group came out of concerns that a number of patients with severe anorexia nervosa were being admitted to general medical wards, and sometimes deteriorating or dying there, due to either (or both of) medical complications or psychiatric problems.

The full MARSIPAN report (second edition) is published by the Royal College of Psychiatrists, and can be found on their website.